“War of the Coprophages” is episode twelve of season three of The X-Files.
In Miller’s Grove, Massachusetts, a man plucks a cockroach from the wall and examines it under torchlight, expounding on what it is and what they are. That by evolutionary standards, they are nearly flawless creatures. But creatures nonetheless. Compared to them, we are gods and must therefore act accordingly. As he squashes it underfoot. The man is an exterminator and he’s in a cellar. He’s spraying a roach infestation and the house’s owner says that bugs drive him crazy. The owner leaves and the exterminator sprays a cockroach. Then starts choking and collapses. More cockroaches appear and when the owner comes down the exterminator is sprawled on the floor covered in cockroaches.
Mulder is in his car at night when Scully phones him. She’s been trying to reach him all day. Mulder’s apartment complex is being fumigated so he got away for the weekend to Massachusetts. Coloured lights had been reported hovering in the sky last night. Mulder starts getting philosophical about the prospect of alien life. Scully, who is cleaning her gun, is being rather more down to earth. Lights sweep Mulder’s car and he says he has to go.
The lights were from the car of Sheriff Frass, who wants to know what he is doing. was Mulder on the phone to his drug dealer? He wants Mulder’s ID, which shows he’s FBI. Mulder says he’s following up reports of UFO sightings. The sheriff didn’t see anything personally. Does the FBI keep tabs on such things? No. Why were Mulder’s wiper blades on? To sweep bugs from the windscreen. No, Mulder doesn’t know if they were cockroaches. The sheriff gets a call and, as he drives off, tells Mulder that there’s been another roach attack.
Scully is now eating when Mulder calls and says he thinks she should get up there. Cockroaches are mortally attacking people. An exterminator was found dead with roaches crawling all over him. According to the sheriff, there were two others that afternoon, a molecular biologist and an astrophysicist. The witness researches into alternative fuels. Scully states that millions of people are allergic to cockroaches. The victim could have gone into anaphylactic shock. Does Mulder still need her to come up? He’s not sure. When the sheriff asks who that was, Mulder says it was his drug dealer.
Cut to someone apparently doing drugs. Two young males are trying to convince a girl to try, it will expand her mind. She thinks they have designs on something else. But she’ll have a beer. One start talking about how great it is, scratching his arm as he does. Then looks and sees a roach apparently crawling into his arm. He sees more, the others don’t and the kid starts slashing himself with a razor.
Scully is now washing the Pomeranian she got in “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose” when Mulder calls and explains the situation. There are no insects at the scene but the victim tried to extract them himself with a razor. Mulder isn’t sure that all the wounds are self-inflicted, apart from the severed artery. Scully asks if there was drug use, as three’s something called Ekbom syndrome where people think that insects are burrowing into their skin. Mulder decides she doesn’t need to come up. Mulder sees a cockroach after ending the call and grabs it, only to find it’s disintegrated. It must have been just the exoskeleton. That must be proof that bugs were there. Except Mulder thinks the exoskeleton was made of metal.
The ME, who is treating Mulder’s damaged fingers, wants to know what’s going on. Mulder has no idea. The ME excuses himself to go to the bathroom. The sheriff also wants to know what’s going on. The Department of Agriculture has a secret setup in town. Perhaps they are breeding killer cockroaches. Mulder thinks not. Then there’s a shout for help from the bathroom. The ME is dead and he was apparently covered with cockroaches. There’s still one on the sink, seemingly dead, but it isn’t and escapes. Mulder calls Scully again. She tells him to check for something; the ME probably died from a brain aneurysm from straining too hard.
Mulder is breaking into the Department of Agriculture site when Scully calls him. She’s been researching cockroach species and thinks that the current ones may be a new species accidentally introduced. She tells him not to trespass on government property again. Too late. Mulder is inside the house, which he describes as a perfectly normal suburban home. Except the walls are rippling because there are many roaches present. Then the light comes on and Mulder hangs up.
The Department of Agriculture agent, Dr. Berenbaum, has caught him. She explains that they are studying insects to come up with the best ways of eradicating them. It’s being kept secret because they didn’t want to tell people they’d deliberately infested a house with thousands of cockroaches.
Dr. Berenbaum is clearly fascinated with insects, and explains a theory about how insect swarms may be the cause of UFO sightings. Mulder is clearly fascinated with Dr. Berenbaum. Who is young, attractive and female. Scully, when she calls, fixates on Dr. Berenbaum’s first name. Bambi.
Mulder listening to Bambi talking about bugs didn’t do wonders for his ability to sleep. Scully decides she’s going to head up anyway. The town is getting in a bit of a panic. It also seems they may have metal cockroaches around.
This is, altogether, one of the less serious episodes. For one thing, at one point, a cockroach seemingly runs across the viewer’s televisions screen.